Emo me

Today i cried in class......

Cos i really cannot take it anymore..

Today da jie tell me my friend cried yesterday.
Cos she kena scolded by teacher and i did not give her good face....
Then she cried....

Today i feel the things happen again....
WHy my friends keep on hurting me....
The same hurt... repeated...

I want to break through....
I don want to be a puppet anymore...
I hate that kind of feeling and life.....
I don want to continue my life in that way.....

My heart still bleeding non-stop.....
HURT, SUFFERING, PAIN AND REJECTION.....
These things keep on filling me......

Hurt......
Everything is my fault.....
Everything is because of me......

I am a human being....
NOT A PUPPET.........
NOT A DOLL.........
NOT INVISIBLE............
NOT A SERVANT..........
Time to break free....
And carry a new life......

WAT A EMO ME.....
WAITING FOR TIME TO HEAL IT....

Hurts is keep in a Pandora box.....
A box should not be open.....
Let it be there.....

Sometimes relationship hurt people......

Hurt....

Today happen something that hurts me.......

I feel it cause the person hurt me is my friends....
Friends that go back together with me.....
Friends whom i know since form 5 ...
Friends whom i usually talk to....

But now....... i feel so hurt........

Today, there is a meeting.....
It is library AJK tertinggi meeting.
Teacher-in-charge wants to see all the AJK Tertinggi.
I am one of it.
And my friend, xin ning whom i called da jie.
Da jie did not even know got this meeting.
Until i tell her today morning....
I am thinking why are they did not even tall xin ning got this meeting.

So both of us going to library during second recess time...
We go and buy some thing and at the counter there, there is no librarian.
So we volunteer ourself to jaga there. Cause a lot of people go to buy things.
We also waiting for the meeting.
After one hour, da jie noticed that my friend who is our pengerusi enter one room and she did not come out again.
Then we ask our another friend.
This is wat she reply : 'why are you all still here? They are having meeting inside.'

After hearing that, i am so so so angry.
Why they did not even call us???
I was so angry until i wanted to throw something.

First time in school.
I angry until i want to throw something.
Then da jie was cooling me down....
And then i think the AJK tertinggi only pengerusi and setiausaha, and all the naib.
And i am going back to duty.

Then, i saw someone who is same pangkat as us got go to the meeting.
The first thought is r we not people?
Are we not AJK tertinggi?
Why is treating us like nobody?
Am us a invisible person?
Can't u see us there?

Last time during the interview also like this......
They only ask the friend...
They seems to forget who i am...

I am so so angry.....
The next thought is because i am not smart.
I cannot reach their level in study...

I HATE THIS KIND OF LIFE......

SOMEBODY RESCUE ME OUT FROM THIS LIFE!!!!!

Everyday, i am going back with them...
Everyday facing these things.....
I am becoming a nobody...
I am become an invisible person....

They won ask my opinion....
And they won tell me what is their decision....

I HATE THIS LIFESTYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to break free.....
I don want to life in that kind of life again.....

I want to tell them.
But i am so so scare.....

Hurt cos being abandon by my friends.............
Hurt cos they don understand me...............
Hurt cos they just think themself...........
Hurt cos they won treat me as human......
Hurt cos i am nothing to them.......

HURT.................

MY HEART IS BLEEDING..... SUFFERING.....AND HATE........

I WANT TO BREAK FREE...........

Am i emo?

Am i emo???

To a certain extent, yes i am....
I am a girl....
Sometime i do things by feeling....
And i am easily get hurt...
But i always pertend to be strong
Actually i am very weak in my feelings....
And i am searching some answer about myself...
Sometime i don even understand my feeling...

Sometimes, i feel i am not...
cos i am happy-go-lucky...
Always smiling...
Most important is that i know there are someone is there to support me...

I may feel uncertainty in my life...
But still stay cheerful and happy...

who am i???

Who am i now???
Wat is my character now???
Am i following the world???
What is my true self???

LOST................

Now i only realise...
Sometimes i am a hypocrite....
I can smile and work with someone i hate so much................
My reason is tat i don want to affect the work...
but it seems like a hypocrite....
cos i don really say out how i feel....
i only let it out when i am with my close friends........

So sometimes i really don know....
Am i changing for better or worst.........
Am i following god's teaching???

I personally don think so la.....

Time to wake up........
Finding my true self.........
Be a pure girl....
Have faith in god...
Through him i am victory........

Prepare to change..............
But for better....

HATE

OMG..... I start to hate people.....

Tat was this person who thinks he or she knows everything....
Talk loudly.... Sort of disturbing......
And i hate the most is his/hers stupid theory which is not true....
He/she say until so so so true.....
OMG..... She is so arrogant.....
His/hers idea is true........
Cannot accept others idea or suggestion......
He/she find a lot of excuses...........
I HATE IT..................................

Another want is tat cannot control temper....
Simply scold people for nothing.....
i don even did something then you scold me......
OMG i don deserve it lo.......
u urself also don know how to handle things................
Do you know that this only worsen things.........
STUPID IDIOT
Why can't u just be polite and settle things in a nice way.................
I HATE THE WAY U HANDLE THINGS...........................

Why am i behave like a dog.....
Who keep on telling u when i will be going back.....
Wat i am going to do next............
Wat am i going after school......
Why u always last minutes tell me things..................
Why u always ask me to go back when i have wait u for a long time and u will be going back to after a few minutes......
It seems like io am so so so impatience.....
cannot even wait for 1 second..............................

Why u always so arrogant and always want things in your way................

Why u go and tell things that is not true to others.............

WHY???????????????????????

Can't they just be good to others????
Don they realise wat they are doing is hurting other people???
Why can't they just stop it????

They are a few of them here.....
IN church and school.....
I don want to write their name down...............
I think my close friends knows...................

TRYING TO CALM DOWN AND FORGIVE...........

Hell's bell....................

This is a programme that organise by my church teenz fellowship................

This programme talk about how powerful is music.....

I went before when i am young.....

Now my memory refresh....

I am a christian..........

And i now how contemporary songs affect or influence people.....

Is not all songs are bad......

But there are nice and good song....

It teach how to choose song carefully....

This is just for me.......

Is not a compulsary for everyone....

And i don intend to say any bad things about contemporary song.....

I just say wat i think....

If i say anything wrong, then sorry.................

Sick.........

Not feeling well again...............

Long time never had gastric................. Last time was during teenz camp.........
But before that, i never had gastric...............

Today is gastric + cannot breath.....
Is like no oxygen.....
I think i am too stress or frighten or maybe my health is not that good already................
I think i have to take care myself.....

Thanks to my friend cos they care for me......
Even though i am sick.................
And i cannot explain the situation to them.........
I think i make them scare............
But i just need to rest a while and take medicine...........
It will be just fine..................

HAHA..............

Now is the time to start study .............................

Young

Today i went to see an old friend....
Her comment to me is ' I still look young, seems like did not grow up....'

My friends, xin ning's brother and hazel's mother also give the same comment....

My appearance can still fool people....
They say i behave like a kid...
I still don know why...
Haha....

Sometimes is good....
Cos u still look young, no one will think that u are so big or old already.....
Cos u can buy children ticket which is cheaper....
Cos u look so fragile....but actually not....

Sometimes is bad...
Cos it seems like you will never grow up....
Cos u cannot be an adult...
Cos u remain like a kid....

Good or bad depends on you..............

But i believe is good.....
Haha.....
Is good to be young...................

My brother.....

Now..... I just briefly describe my godbrother....
My family did not know....
They take care of me very well.....

I got 6 elder brother.........
4 of them are older than me......
2 of them are younger than me.....

But my appearance makes people think that i am so so small...
I look younger than my real age....

So thats why they take care of me....
I don know why....
But they suddenly become a brother.....
That take care of me....
Care of me....
Scold me if i am naughty...
Let me bully them....haha....

But i know if someone is my brother, it is impossible for him to become lover.....
So i wish i have more brother.... haha....
Tats all......
Now i still prefer to be single.... Haha......

Guys.....

I got a brand new godbrother.....
He is younger than me by one year....
Nice Guy....
At least is someone who is kind....

Not like the guys in my tuition class....
I will not list them into my list if i am finding guys that are good.....
They not even good but terrible....
I cannot say all but mostly....
I still find minority of goodness in certain guys....

But others like my friend say can throw into dustbin....
SELFISH....
NOISY....
ARROGANT....
WORST......
So..... Narrow minded and 'xiao qi'.....

I really don like them.... cos they cause the class to be too noisy untill waste so much time in joking....
I did not see the seriousness in their study of certain person.....

Really don feel like being the same class with them......
I am not that anti- guys, but towards certain guys......

Hope that they can change and I must change my thinking......

Monday...

Although monday is a holiday, i am having a tired day.....

Cos i was having flu..... [not H1N1 OR HiNi FLU... Cos no fever and backpain....]
JUST NORMAL ONE....
Cos the weather is cold..... for me
I think my receptor got problem..... Haha

So tired + tired + tired......
No energy to move..... Even medicine cannot help too.....

Until tuesday, then feeling better....
Can go to school...
haha...........